As I have mentioned before on this blog, I am a person who mostly does the things I am familiar with but I have come to a point where I want to date. Where I want to actually have someone to talk to and to have fun with emotionally and physically. So before I get to the date scenario, I will tell you…
Why I wasn’t dating
For a very long time in my life I developed a series of mental health issues, minor but still they were potent in my life. I was depressed, self hating and a bit paranoid. Due to being followed and all the stalking issues, I developed social anxiety. So dating scared the shit out of me and did affect my social life massively. When I started healing I did feel the craving to be with someone but I knew if I didn’t love myself enough, how was I going to love anyone else? So I decided to completely forget about men. Even if I knew just how much I admire men, I propelled myself to just think about me, learn to love myself, learn my sexuality and learn who I am and how to love me. Of course even if I am in a happy place now, I do have depression relapses every now and then but they are not disruptive or anything I will have to allow to hinder my relationships. So now, I want a man in my life. My mom is okay with me being an independent woman I have become. For someone aged 21 and to be where I am now, in my culture its a rarity and I am proud so when I raise the issue, she tells me men are not worth it. I should focus on my studies and stuff but I am slowly and slowly becoming a little impatient.
The online dating
Because I am socially awkward and I don’t really know how to make friends and I don’t know how to throw myself at men. It is very difficult for me to mingle or to even meet men, hell even meeting women. So the only place I felt like it would be easy for me was to go online dating. It was strictly out of impulse and I was going to delete on the following day. So some guy said ‘hi’. Even from looking at his picture, a part of me knew that he wasn’t what I would like but sometimes you have to test the waters. I spoke with him with some chats and all, he seemed genuine. He was polish and all. So we came to a point were he asked me for a date. I said yes because I also wanted to challenge my anxiety for meeting complete strangers and I didn’t even know if he was a real person I mean; we have seen some serious and dangerous catfish scenes in our lifetime.
So we decided we were gonna go watch a film together and maybe do something after. I went to the cinema and as always I was quite early. So I had to wait for the guy. I was chewing gum so fast, my hands were sweating, I was trembling and so scared and I was an impulse away from walking out and going back home. I couldn’t even breath properly. But then he walked in the doors of the cinema. I love instant attraction but it wasn’t what I felt. Yes he was real but the moment I saw him, it was like someone walked into the room and blew the candles on my birthday cake. I knew within those few steps he took to me and even when I hugged him, I knew he just wasn’t for me. but… I was patient and told myself that maybe by the end of the date I will like him. Maybe I will feel something other than a dead fish feeling I was feeling. In the cinema, he spoke to me. Tried holding my hand but my mind and my body function almost separately, I kept taking my hand off his. He tried putting his arm across the back of my neck and caressed my arm and I felt nothing but the cringe and uncomfortability. Through the film, I looked at him so that maybe I can kiss him, but he didn’t appeal to me to a point of kissing him. So I thought maybe I should tell him to kiss me but when I imagined him kissing me I was completely unattracted to the idea. He removed his hand, tried having a conversation with me and nothing came out off his mouth made me feel like wanting him or at least picture the future. And I am a sexual woman, I picture how I would feel looking at a man I having sex with during sex (I know its wierd) and the idea wasn’t appealing. So after the date, I knew he wanted to kiss me but I had to stop him and tell him that we wasn’t going to work. the look on his face made me feel so bad for saying this. In that moment, it made me feel like I had completely ripped his heart out of his chest and chewed it infant of him. I gave him a hug and walked away. Nothing was wrong with the guy. he had quite a fit body, not workout fit but naturally fit. he was a few inches taller than me, (another area i have struggled with. men’s height. i am only 5,6 and most men who ask me out are either same height as me or even shorter. same height as me wouldnt be much of a problem but i am also a curvy woman so a thin man who is 5,5/6 wont look right with me and doesnt feel right) and he was appealing on the face. But he just wasnt for me.
The after math
Now I have deleted the app because I think maybe I am not ready to date even if it was one date. I did keep the app for a few days and none of the tons of men that sent messages appealed to me. I kinda felt like maybe something wasn’t right with my choice of men lol. But I know I want to start dating so I guess I just have to come up with new ways to meet men.
Anyway I felt like sharing this on here. and I will be posting like I promised.